Feelings – Do We Need Them?

That moment when you realize your feelings don’t matter. Oh wait, that’s always. Yeah.

If the best decisions are made based on logic and reason, why do we possess the ability to feel? Why do the decisions made from what we feel are (sometimes, or mostly) not the “best” decisions to make? Why even have feelings if the only feelings anyone wants from you is happiness.

I am constantly being reminded that what I feel, how I feel is my fault. And I agree, I am in control of what I’m feeling — only that I can’t control how I feel. I am always being torn between my mind telling me that I’m being this emotional mess right now, and my heart making me feel sad, and angry. I find that the only way to not be sad or mad is to train myself to not feel anything at all.

This is not the answer, but it is what I have to do to not feel negative — To feel nothing.

Feelings – Do We Need Them?

Kyoto and Me

I received a great opportunity from my school to travel to Kyoto, Japan for an International Conference. CAADRIA 2014.

It was such a wonderful experience! A paper I co-authored got published for this conference, and I had to do a poster presentation. In addition to the conference, I took a tour of Kyoto.

Kyoto is comprised of small buildings and houses along with mid-rise buildings. There’s some type of building code there in which they aren’t allowed to build up to a certain height. This gives Kyoto a different kind of urban feel. It still feels like a small town in some sort of wonderful way. I really enjoyed it. Loved the architecture, culture, and lifestyle.

Everything in Japan is on-time. If you aint there, they are leaving yo’ ass. Just kno dat. But that’s the way I like things because I hate waiting. And making others wait is rude.

Here are some of my photos from my trip with my Canon 7D. I’ll post more that I took with my phone🙂

Most of the photos here are of the temples in Kyoto. I paid much attention to the beautiful detailing that the Japanese seem to focus effort on. I love them for that!

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The photo above is one of the World Heritage places. I was so lucky to see this! It was enchanting. So enchanting that I lost my tour group!!!

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The photo above is of the bamboo forest. I was not so impressed. It was very much carved and paved for tourists. I wanna see the real STUFF!!

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We visited a “love” shrine. Seemed a little crazy when the tour guide was explaining to us the purpose of this shrine. So you go here to pray that you and your love one will be together forever like… boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, etc. I don’t know, if I found out my boyfriend traveled all the way to a shrine to pray for our eternal love… I would like he’s nuts. But then again, it could be a cultural difference, and or me just not fully understanding this. Hehe. I understand if you pray for marriage though.

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Can you believe these are hand carved?

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Kyoto and Me

Christina Grimmie on The Voice

Sorry, don’t like it.

I don’t know $10 words to describe exactly what I don’t like about her voice, but I will say that she’s talented in a way nonetheless.

 

It’s the loud screaming parts of her songs that just… “shrinks my boner.”

I feel like she needs to control her pitch or tone, or something, but her screaming like that is not a nice sound. I know it takes a lot of talent & effort to even reach those notes LOUDLY, but something is wrong.

I think she’s trainable though, which is a good quality to have in any profession.

Christina Grimmie on The Voice

Spoiled Brat

Imma tell you guys right now, I’m a spoiled brat. Yeah, I am. And aint proud.

But don’t get me wrong, I work my ass off and deal with many levels of stress that come from work, school, and more side work. I feel guilty many times for expecting things a certain way, and when I don’t get it… hoooo I throw a fit. I have a very sensitive defense mechanism trigger that goes from 0 to 100 in a split second.

Imagine me as an octopus that squirts ink as a defense mechanism… that person who I feel is threatening me right now.. will die from ink poisoning. Lets just put it that way.

This person is often Tai. Only because he’s a strong opinionated individual that challenges my every opinion. This is not in a bad context. This is how he is. This is how I am.

I never thought I’d be with someone and feel like they love me more than I love them. It’s always been me, I’ve always been the one that loves more, cared more, and sacrificed more (or at least I thought so). I am a headache, and I know it. Instead of him pushing me away or resulting in loud arguments, he spends the time to try and understand why I feel the way I feel. I think he actually finds an interest in understanding me and my sometimes outrageous reactions and feelings. This is amazing to me. He is the example of that quote from A Walk to Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind..” I know, corny. Whatever.

He never makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. When I do feel like there’s something wrong with me, it’s my own doing and thinking.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and he went out and bought something for me. He never does this… this surprise thing. I thought we were just going to have dinner, and I was happy with that because he’s the one that made the reservations (I always make the reservations any other day). He even made time to get me a cute card.

& last year, I did the whole Valentine’s thing. He didn’t get me anything. hahah. I was mad he didn’t even get me a card! This year, it was me that didn’t make time to do something for him! Hypocrite. I know.

He’s always been a great loving boyfriend, but lately, it’s like… he’s truly put me first. I can see it. He cares so much for me. He’ll move his car just so I can have parking when I come over, but he won’t even tell me he did it for me. But I caught on😉. He’ll try to knock out all his school work throughout the weekdays so that we can have at least one weekend night to ourselves. If I want to eat out, we will eat out. If I want to do anything, he will make it happen in an instant.

It’s a crazy feeling, knowing someone loves you inside out, flaws + all.

besides your family.

Spoiled Brat

Do What You Want With My Body

lady-gaga-rkelly-snl-650-430I just realized.

While having a late night drive home, I’m listening to ARTPOP… and I’m thinking why would Lady Gaga choose R. Kelly? I mean come on, his career pretty much died when he decided to take a piss on young girls.

Then it hit me. Duh! The lyrics of the song. “Do what you want with my bodddayyy!”

So Lady Gaga, I’m guessing she’s cool with getting pissed on!

 

Do What You Want With My Body

The Freeloader

Screen shot 2014-01-12 at 3.00.39 PMThe term I’m looking for doesn’t entirely fall in “freeloader” because I get things in return… just not the money that helps put food in my mouth.

Time and time again I see people get taken advantage of their skills and talent.

Sad to say, I am a victim too. But that’s my own fault for not being able to say “no.” I’ve spent years developing my skills as a designer, make-up artist, photographer and graphic artist. I’ve spent my own money on the endless supplies and tools to make it possible for me to even have these skills. But besides the money I’ve spent, the most precious thing I’ve given up to acquire these skills is time.

For make-up, I learned on my own, but a lot was learned on the job. For graphic arts and familiarity with programs, I taught myself because it was something I was passionate about at a young age. For photography, I am also self-taught. I can’t say that I’m a fricken professional at any or all of these skills, but I aint all that bad!

The point of this blog is to remind people that these skills people have developed WAS NOT FREE. So why would you ask your own friend to pull you a favor and do something for you for FREE.

Of course I always want to help my friends out and save them money. I am all about that. I always jump into it so quickly and I’m so eager to help because, I love my friends. But I’m at a point in my life where time is fuckin’ money. It’s just so out of my way to do something for free any more. And I’m finally realizing my worth. But my friends or friends of friends don’t?

& if you can’t afford the actual price for the services your asking for… at least give what you can, especially when they DO offer to do it for free. These people need to put food on the table, pay for a living space, pay for tuition, or whatever. Yeah you got bills and shit.. but who doesn’t?

Don’t be a freeloader – the end🙂

The Freeloader